Badmaash - Los Angeles

Badmaash. The best restaurant I will never visit again. The food is a breath of fresh, spicy air, and their fusion items are touched by genius. It's impossible not to enjoy your food but you won’t have time to savor it. Their tables have a 45-60 minute time limit even WITH a reservation that starts before you open the menu so be prepared to scarf it all down. They’re not shy about asking you to leave.

Started with the street food, but these Crispy Yogurt Puffs leave an impact that is far from casual. Soft chickpeas make their bed in a rich but airy yogurt that softens a spicy sting. Crispy contrasts soft, and you're left with a lasting impression long after these little bites are gone. 

Try the Butter Chicken Samosas. They're exactly what the say they are, but that sweet, creamy  curry surrounding tenders shreds of chicken is probably the best butter chicken I've ever had.

The Chicken Tikka Poutine is a signature dish, and I love the creativity. It's fusion at it's finest; masala and chunks of chicken tikka spice up the fries, and cheese curds groove with a gooey gravy.

You don't get Indian food without naan, though their Chili Cheese Naan is too good to call a side. The naan is simultaneously crisp and soft, and cheddar chases the chilis to leave a delightful burn. 

The Spiced Lamb Burger. This is the best thing on the menu, maybe the best burger in LA. Maybe the best burger EVER. The lamb is so flavorful, the patty is so moist, the spice mix is so smooth yet so unforgettable. I ate this last, and I was so stuffed, but you can't stop eating something like this. It'll take you to another place... which seems to be where they want you anyway.

Desserts are where our meal falls apart. I actually recommend them, and it's quite rare for me to recommend dessert. The Rice Pudding is on the lighter side so you can have something sweet without feeling gross. This one is creamy with coconut milk and it’s almost as much of a relief as the mango lassi after the spicy burn.

Their Mango Mousse is light and more mango than mango itself. Beautiful and absolutely perfect...but we wouldn't know. It started tasting pretty sour when we were asked to leave. My friend was only halfway through that, and you do NOT interrupt a pregnant woman (due next month!) halfway through her dessert.

I don't care what your excuse is, Badmaash. You made my very pregnant friend to get up so someone else could sit down one hour and 15 minutes into our meal. I guess I should thank you for the extra 15 minutes considering your very unreasonable time limits on your tables (which you did NOT mention, ever), but I think you just got greedy. Instead of caring about your customers you started turning tables to turn your profits, and you really let a little Michelin get to your head.

Badmaash. It’s supposed to mean bad ass and I profoundly agree. The food is totally bad ass, but the restaurant is run by an ass.

Toro Tei Sushi Bar - Lihue, Kauai

Our mistake. We knew it wasn’t going to be good, but we went for it. We're on red meat overload on the island, ironically, and salad is for cows. 

Salad would have been more substantial than this. When we got the first two rolls, I thought they were only one roll. I don't recall the name of this deep-fried one, but it's a combo of tuna, salmon, cucumber, and eel. A weird combo. The Spicy Ahi Poke is simple. Tobiko, avocado, sriracha aioli. It works, and the fish is pretty fresh, but $28 for this plate really doesn't add up.

The Da Ali'i is a snow crab scam. The spicy lobster topping is filling and rich, but $15 for 5 pieces?! That's $3 PER PIECE! I've had high-end nigiri cheaper than than that!

The rolls taste pretty good, but Toro Tei will gut you like a fish with their pricing. I've never paid so much for so little!

The Bistro - Kilauea, Kauai, HI

As generic as the name would imply, they leave nothing to the imagination.

And if the Steamed Seafood is any indication, they don't have much of an imagination either. This is a bowl of what-you-do-with-seafood-at-the-end-of-its-shelf-life. The fish has the texture of rubber, the prawns taste like they've been set out to dry, and it all stews in an old oil that tastes like basil and sludge.

The Buttermilk Fried Mussels are a considerable improvement. The breading does have that sweeter milky highlight, and the mussels stay tender underneath. 

You can’t go wrong with a Beet Salad...or so we thought. Beets and goat cheese are basic, and a lilikoi dressing sounds like a sure thing. But I can't taste any of the dressing, and the beets are slimy like slices of a slug.

The Risotto is edible, it's rice in a cheese bath, fondue in a bowl. The parmesan is mild, and the butter is abundant, and the jumbo shrimp are perfectly cooked. I just wish we had more than four of them

I'm officially afraid of fine dining thanks to The Bistro. The building is quite pretty, and the service is friendly and sweet, but the dining is traumatic. It was the first and last time we did more formal dining on the island, and it was the most regrettable experience of the trip!

Stinger Ray's Tropical Bar and Grill - Honolulu, HI

The evening is a brief flight to Kauai, one of few I deeply regret. I didn't love Honolulu the first time, but I gained a new appreciation this time around. There are endless hikes, and the island has a mix of mountains and sea, with all sorts of delectable and affordable eats.

I thought that Kauai would be more of the same, so we didn't linger in Honolulu long. I do deeply regret not taking more time to explore the island, and I feel like I left a lot of poke bowls un-turned. 

The transition does NOT start well. This late lunch/early dinner at Stinger Ray’s is the second most regrettable meal of this trip, and I just can't. 

After so many fresh-out-of-the-water cuts of tuna, it seems Stinger Ray's Ahi Poke is where they dump what's left after it's lost its freshness. The fish tastes fishy, which tuna NEVER should, and even the not-so-spicy layer of sticky soy dressing doesn't disguise this misery.

The Grilled Fish Tacos do not rock. But they are filled with rocks, sold as "blackened mahi" that looks like it barely touched a grill and tastes like it was grilled for days. Sputtering, choke-on-it dry, with a teaspoon of pineapple and chipotle sauce that add nothing, this is NOT a recommended dish. 

We were hungry when we sat down, and we were initially about to order a third dish to share. Something told us to hold off, and a better decision was never made. I don't know what happens between the island and the airport, but I thought I was in a different country. I don't know how the food went from spectacular to shoot-me-now in just a few miles, but next time I'm at the airport, I'd rather starve.

Holsteins Shakes and Buns - Las Vegas, NV

They say that two different people going into the same restaurant can have completely different perceptions. I think that is true, but that is not what happened to us. Two different people at the same table went to Holsteins and had completely different experiences. 

I'm still not sure what happened, and I'm still scratching my head. We both had burgers, and we both had fries. We ordered different burgers, and although both came with similarly bland beef, it's seems that my husband's lunch was made by a chef with some skill, while mine may have been scraped together by...the janitor. 

I ordered The Fun-ghi, excited about the shrooms. I ordered it medium, and the server specifically stopped me mid-order to clarify that their medium burgers were pink in the middle. I didn't find that surprising, as that would be expected of meat cooked medium, but I guess they didn't do that with mine because it was overcooked and so dry that the middle was brown and the edges had the texture of gravel. The patty had no detectable seasoning, not even salt, and despite a great slice of gruyere over juicy mushrooms, and a smooth truffle mayo, you just can't make up for a bad patty. Oh, and my fries were wet, insult to injury. So soaked with oil they were juicy, and they had sat under a heat lamp for so long that they were cold. Not cool, not lukewarm, but out-of-the-fridge COLD. 

My husband got The Forager Burger, and his patty was plump and tender, pink all the way through under a thin, gorgeously grilled exterior. Tomato confit livens up a gooey fried egg and Swiss, and his fries were crispy and pretty fresh. 

This is the first time, in a very long time, that I've actually left a restaurant feeling disgusted. They didn't have a lot of customers for lunch, but serving a plate of leftover mess-ups to one person and a nice plate to the person next to them at the same table is downright rude. Don't worry, Holsteins, you won't have to make it right. I go to Vegas all the time, but I sure as heck won't be eating anything you make again.

Sooshe Sushi Bar, Gordon's Bay, South Africa - Day 15

This is the day that food falls apart. So far South Africa has provided all sorts of meals and snacks, some more satisfactory than others, some more ordinary than not. That said, I had yet to try something truly terrible, and it's here, at Sooshe, that I finally encountered something I could not and would not eat. 

The sushi glides by on a conveyor belt, shiny options on colored plates, each with a different price point. They offer several options, among them, a flat rate for AYCE (which we did not order). They make it difficult to take advantage of the AYCE, however, as every item on the conveyor belt is drowning in a layer of mayo. The Shrimp Tempura Roll, for example, has both mayo and a cloying sweet chili sauce. 

A Salmon Wrap has dollops of mayo like icing on a cupcake.

And it takes at least three rotations of the belt before I find an acceptable Salmon Avocado Roll. 

The Salmon Avocado Hand Roll is also nice and fresh. 

They have a fancy Salmon Sashimi as well, but I'm not a fan of the sweet teriyaki-esque sauce they serve it in. 

Unfortunately, it all falls apart from here. I'm craving some carbs so I order a small portion of Beef Lo Mein. It's greasy, which is expected, but the oil tastes like it could use a change. 

The real moment of hatred boils down to this: I ordered a Tuna Hand Roll to finish my meal and was told that they were out of tuna. No problem, I opt to shrimp and avocado instead. They brought out the shrimp and avocado, but they also brought this tuna roll, insisting that the chef found the last piece of tuna and that I had to eat it. Bad enough they were trying to bully me into paying extra for something I didn't order, but what I found more offensive was the quality of the tuna. I expect my tuna to be red, not shades of gray. My camera also failed to captured the dark green sheen on the tuna, which was clearly at least a month old. I paid for it to avoid causing a scene, but eating it would have landed me in the hospital. 

Sooshe didn't seem so terrible to start. The salmon is quite fresh, and the sushi is not exactly authentic, but most of it was just fine. Sorry Sooshe, you would have gotten a more positive review had you not tried to poison me...

MTN - Venice, Los Angeles

I'm back from a long vacation, and THIS is what I come home to. Ugh, no thanks. 

I had high hopes for MTN, and after the Grilled Saba, I really thought I would enjoy this place. The saba is fleshy and raw in a rich, almost-creamy way. The yuzu ponzu adds a snappy citrus, and the fish holds none of mackerel's fishy sting. I hate mackerel, but I loveloveLOVE this.

The Wagyu Beef Heart Skewer has an exceptional savor and a perfect tenderness that's hard to achieve. Meat of this quality can stand alone, but a little salt wouldn't hurt. 

The skewers and small plates are tiny and they cost a pretty penny. The prices are vexing, but hey, it's Venice...or so I thought. This is an awesome, downy-soft Charred Japanese Sweet Potato in miso butter. The sweet potato is great, and it doesn't even need the butter, but seriously, $10 for a single sweet potato the size of half an avocado?!? Per ounce, that's practically a low-end truffle.

The Black Sesame Tantanmen is just MUD. A bowl of expensive, salty mud. I think the broth would have been rich, and people with palates I respect have raved about it, but this brackish batch contains so much salt that it tastes like a puddle.

We were sharing the tantanmen between three people and not a single one of us could muster more than couple of bites. Still, we weren't about to let it go to waste...except they "don't allow" take home boxes for noodles and literally took the food that I paid for out of my hands. Their excuse was that the noodles get soggy when they sit in broth for too long, but I don't appreciate being told I can't take my property home. They could have at least packed the noodles and broth separately.

The Pork Bone Ramen is pretty good overall. The broth barely scratches the surface, but it has a smash of citrus that adds an interesting angle. The chashu is perfect, and I love the soft sear on it, but it tastes a little weirdly high-end for ramen. Not bad at all, but I can get the same level if not better for half the price almost anywhere but here.

My experience can be summarized in 3 simple words: Venice gone WRONG. So very, VERY wrong. The food isn't good enough for the prices they charge, and you could spend an entire Benjamin and starve. Not to mention the absolutely unreasonable 20% service charge that comes automatically included. I loathe tipping and am a huge fan of standardizing service charges, but 20% is quite presumptuous. 20% is what you tip for exceptional service, and for MTN to assume that the slow, condescending service we got deserves 20% is an insult. If you want my 20%, then at least let me take my food home. But don't worry, MTN, this will not be an issue because I will NEVER eat here again.

The Reef - Long Beach

A pretty space, nice view of the water, just perfect for weddings and all sorts of celebratory bliss! The Reef is perfect for important catered events for family and friends...if you hate your family and friends. Book immediately for passive-aggressive revenge and make sure to order something described below. 

Let's try to start on a positive note at least... The Clam Chowder was the only edible thing we had, and it was the expected smooth texture interspersed with reasonably-sized chunks of clam. 

The Caesar Salad was a bunch of lettuce doused in dressing, perhaps to cover up the sloppy cutting job. There was literally a chunk of uncut lettuce the size of my fist sitting on the side of the plate.

I ordered the Prime Rib, and the server tells me they're out of jus and only have horseradish to put on top. What he meant to say was that the prime rib was so overcooked it ran out of juice. This slice looks like a tree stump and has the texture of balsa wood. 

Grilled Shrimp & Scallops with Pineapple Bacon Fried Rice. Let me eat that overseasoned, throat-burning shellfish and spear myself through the eye with the skewer. Both shrimp and scallops had potential without the "Cajun" overkill, but the fried rice was truly awful. Whatever oil they used had been there for at least 2 weeks.

Dessert? Not on your life. Let's quit while we're...so far behind there's no chance at redemption. Even without desert, I almost died laughing when I saw the check. $98.06 after tax and tip. Seriously, nearly 100 dollars. For what? Garbage disposal?

It has been a long time since I've had something so vile. We were considering renting out the space for our rehearsal dinner, but the stuff they serve here isn't FOOD!