Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse - Koloa, HI

It took me decades to make it to Ruth’s Chris; better late than never. Huge high-end chain with a hub in every city and town in this country, and they've even crossed the Pacific to deliver quality steak. 

Be prepared. You'll get quality for sure, but if you're looking for the creativity inherent in fine dining, you won't find it here. There’s no thinking outside the box, no innovation, but sometimes a steak is just a steak and it only needs to be a steak. 

Bite into that Filet Mignon and tell me you want more. That steak is so tender you can use your knife to shave not saw. 

Have a few triple-thick, triple-fat bone-in Lamb Chops if you're gaming for something gamey. Order medium rare and swallow with every chew or you'll drown in all that juice. 

I hate getting salads at steakhouses, but their Caesar Salad is a nice one. You need some greens to break up the meat anyway. 

That said, I'd rather have the Brussels Sprouts. The bacon adds some oomph, and the bitter finish is a necessary reset. 

I'm describing in reverse order, saving the best for last. Butter-doused Crab Cakes, patties of lump crab with maximum flavor and minimum filler. It's like biting into a fresh crab except someone did the hard work for you and took off all the shells.

I would come back. You know what you're getting here and you get what you pay for. IF you're craving a good steak, you could do worse than this. Chains really aren't my thing, but at Ruth's Chris, I'll bite. 

Toro Tei Sushi Bar - Lihue, Kauai

Our mistake. We knew it wasn’t going to be good, but we went for it. We're on red meat overload on the island, ironically, and salad is for cows. 

Salad would have been more substantial than this. When we got the first two rolls, I thought they were only one roll. I don't recall the name of this deep-fried one, but it's a combo of tuna, salmon, cucumber, and eel. A weird combo. The Spicy Ahi Poke is simple. Tobiko, avocado, sriracha aioli. It works, and the fish is pretty fresh, but $28 for this plate really doesn't add up.

The Da Ali'i is a snow crab scam. The spicy lobster topping is filling and rich, but $15 for 5 pieces?! That's $3 PER PIECE! I've had high-end nigiri cheaper than than that!

The rolls taste pretty good, but Toro Tei will gut you like a fish with their pricing. I've never paid so much for so little!

Pizzetta - Koloa, HI

Ten dollars buys you a slice and a salad at Pizzette, a lunch special worth pausing for if shopping makes you hungry. 

The house-made sausage is sweet with a dash of spice on the slice of the day, and the slice itself is big enough to be two. There’s so much cheese it’s drooping off the sides, and it makes a long string when you take a bite. 

The salad is served in a sizeable side dish. The house is standard, but I’m happier with my Caesar. 

If you’re looking for some other options, the Bruschetta is one of many apps, and they handle their tomatoes. Very ripe and sun-sweet, on small toasts soaked in juice and basil. 

Decent quality for not very much, a not-regrettable short stop in Koloa town. I don’t know how often I’d choose pizza over poke in Kauai, but I would consider Pizzette when I’m craving those carbs. 

Duke’s Kauai - Lihue, HI

Duke’s Lihue, yet another Marriott staple. From one side of a gargantuan complex to a table full of family that takes several sprints and a couple of wrong turns to find. 

The menu is easy to navigate, though, a full spread favorites from the land and the sea. Their menu is entirely different from the Malibu location, and I’m pleased to see specials based on sustainability and local availability. 

The Tristan Lobster Tail, for example, is branded the world’s only sustainable lobster, and it’s branded itself into my tastebuds. A step below Maine in suppleness and a step above spiny in succulence, they broil it very well. Dip it in some herbed butter and bite into sustainable bliss. 

They also have a section devoted to fresh fish, with multiple catches of the day. The Seven Spice Ahi is a constant, and this one needs to stay. The medium rare sear really pops with a salty togarashi season. 

The apps are almost as satisfying as the mains. There’s a sweet Maui Onion Soup that tastes like that the bag of chips they give you on the plane.

The Crab and Mac Nut Wontons are a meal in each wrapper, a purse of crab, carb, and heavy cream.

The Crab Cakes are also a little creamy in the middle, a solid conglomerate of small chunks of meaty crab.

I’m starting to think Duke’s is like the Hard Rock Cafe of the Pacific, and I think I’m starting to like the idea of collecting visits to the land of the great blue surfboard under the glow of the setting sun instead of a giant guitar. I don’t know if I’d go out of my way to visit Duke’s at any point, but I’m happy to be there when catering to bigger parties or picky palates. 

Kukui’s on Kalapaki Beach - Lihue, HI

Our arrival back to Kauai is the smoothest we can imagine. Airport on time, straight through security, found out you no longer have to remove your liquids for TSA as a bonus. 

Get to the gate, find out the father-in-law has independently booked the same flight, and has also independently selected the row of seats directly behind us. 

So far so good, but we’re talking three generations of Ottens on the same small island for either the longest or funnest five days of our lives. A recipe for success or a drama of disaster? Five days to find out, five hours now before the rest arrive. 

We are starving in the meantime, gnaw-your-own-fingers-off starving. I hate resort food for the exorbitant prices but Kukio’s is closest and its all we’ve got at this odd afternoon hour. 

The Spicy Ahi Tuna Rice Bowl is a terrible order if you’re starving. The tuna is fresh but for $16 you’re getting 3 ounces max. The spicy mayo is as expected, a foolproof combination except it irks me that it’s drizzled over instead of mixed in. It’s nothing special at best, but the fish is fresh and it’s fireworks in a starving mouth.

The Makaweli Meat Company Burger is an excellent choice if you’re starving. It’s well done but not done that well. The bacon is nice, but the patty is dry side, and overcooking beef seems to be a recurring theme. 

Breakfast is better, but they need to stop over cooking the beef. The Harris Ranch Loco is a variation on a theme, with mounds of rice replacing a burger bun. The mushroom gravy is good, but I could use more than a couple tablespoons - it’s a rare thing for me to ask for more sauce. The promised kimchee is nowhere to be found, and compared to the hearty, hefty loco mocos I’ve had in Oahu, this one is disappointing. 

The buffet is probably better as it offers an unlimited spread of everything you could possibly want, but $30 is a hefty price to pay. 

That Omelet Station tho. Egg whites, ham, onions, extra mushrooms, and a chunk of creamy Brie all for me. 

There’s sides like smoked salmon, which isn’t smoked that well, a spread of fruit and all sorts of starch. The tater tots are great, and I love the little Portuguese sausages that mix sugar with spice. 

The waffles are made fresh, and the bacon is crispy. 

The dessert tapiocas are more meh, and the baked goods and Benedict are the way to go.

In a pinch, Kukio’s will do, but it’s more a meal of convenience. The breakfast is pretty good, and the lunch and dinner are okay enough, but everything comes at a premium price. 

Gwen - Los Angeles

Where do you take the man you love for his birthday? To a house of meat. A meat-house. No way this will fail. 

Gwen doesn't fail. Gwen can't fail. Prime butcher cuts of meat, expertly sliced and diced, a Charcuterie so good I forget to take a photo. A tender, lighter ham, a firm and fatty duck speck, a plush and salty salami spread, and a trio of sausages sliced thin, each with its own unique signature of savor. The fouetté is lighter with garlic and white wine, the Spanish chorizo has some spunk. The pork and fennel is gentle, and every bite just makes me mental. 

For a light surf n' turf warm-up, the Oysters are worth a gander.

We're in a meaty mood, and the Bone-in Ribeye is 34 ounces of heaven. Each bite melts in your mouth, and there's so much fat it could be a low-grade wagyu. Then again, foraging for an edible bite isn't very fun: two of those slices were just fat and the bone makes up quite a bit of the weight.

There's a side of Roasted Beets that I thought would cut through all the fat, but I'm not a fan. It's a lighter, silky root vegetable by nature, but they drown it in horseradish cream which leaves a bitter aftertaste.

There's a Panna Cotta for a little more aftertaste. A smear with much more cream than jelly, a cold, almost sweetmilk that takes me back a tiny town in Tuscany ten years ago. The panna cotta there tasted like this, and this is the first time I’ve tasted it again. They add their own special touch, with a streak of caramel and a refreshing uplift of apple. 

Little extras from the kitchen: a Lychee Dragee, a sweet fruit jelly and a Macadamia Nut Truffle with a chocolate crunch. 

I like Gwen. I don't love Gwen, but I like it. If you want a slab of meat that's guaranteed to be good, Gwen is a guarantee. I'm not sure how their seafood is, but I don't see a point in trying things they don't specialize in, especially not after those beets. Great steak and glamorous dining. Fun cocktails, good service. Bring a parent or a more conservative guest with a cautious palate and they'll love you forever, guaranteed.