The Werf Restaurant - Franschhoek, South Africa

Determined to hit up yet another vineyard, we cruise into Boschendal on our way back to Franschhoek, seeking lunch and another flight of wine.

The Werf has a gorgeous view from the windows, and even the dreary rain doesn't make the gardens of Boschendal look any less like a fairy tale.

The menu is promising, a plethora of small plates, promising creativity and with descriptions that sound like tempting tapas.

A complementary starting gift from the chef is an earthy mix of refreshing veggies in endive and sour cream. The sun-dried tomatoes still hold plenty of tangy juice, rounded out by ground seeds and nuts, and the whole combination reminds me of fresh earth after the rain.

The Ribeye is cooked quite nicely, a pretty medium rare. Dauphine is a fancy term for fried potato rounds, a thinner, Frenchier version of hash browns. These are fried golden brown and crunch with a satisfying chomp. Clouds of horseradish break up the heavy meat n' potatoes, and this may be the only truly edible dish we order.

We intend for the Pumpkin Seed Dumplings to break up all the meat, but that doesn't happen. The wrapper is as thick as a Triscuit, and each bite is flour mush, like it hasn't been quite cooked all the way through. The filling is a dry, diced mixture of seeds with no filler to either hold it together or to at least disguise the resemblance to birdseed. They drown these birdfeeders in half a centimeter of oil (that yellow liquid is just olive oil, NOT soup), and despite the perfectly tender texture of the oyster mushrooms, the salt forces you to wash each bite down with an entire glass of water. 

The theme here is OVERKILL. Even the Roasted Carrots, which are supposed to be a vegetable on the side, possess a cloying quality so intense you're done after a single carrot. They are sticky, like a saturated dishcloth with a quantity of cumin that proves to be suffocating. There is no detectable citrus, and the honeycomb compounds the problem. 

The "new season" Figs are more like dry season figs. They are flavorless and leathery, and the pecan pralines are the only source of sweetness. The fig leaf ice cream, however, is interesting and fun, just like their namesake foliage.

The effort is clear, the concepts are fair, but the execution is utterly unfortunate. All the ideas work on paper, but they definitely don't work together. Boschendal is beautiful, and they have some promising wines, but boy, does The Werf need a little work.

Stellenbosch, South Africa - Day 11

An early morning start sends us along the winding highways to Stellenbosch. 

First stop: Spier, with a colorful array of bold blends, a full-bodied cab, a spunky Shiraz, and a creative block collection whose name says it all. 

Their Pinotage has a warm, well-rounded finish, and we can't leave without a bottle of that.

The Pinotage and every other wine on the list pair well with an extensive Charcuterie Platter. All the cheese are light: blue camembert has only veiny hints of strong stuff, and the Kleinrivier danbo is a very mild cream. 

The biltong pate is more like an onion dip, but I dig the rooty, earthy beetroot hummus. The bresoula and proscuitto are right on, and bites of grapes and olives break up the heavier meat and creamy cheese. 

Even a weeping sky can't make Spier dreary. The lakeside view is gorgeous, even without the fountain in full swing.

Franschhoek, South Africa - Day 10

An early start at our first vineyard, La Motte. 

Through the gate and I can't breathe. I've never seen a vineyard this beautiful, rows upon rows of vines waiting to be wines, enfolding all sorts of flowers in full bloom.

It's never too early to start a tasting, and 10 AM gives us ample time to explore. There's a small art gallery, and there's a even a live sculptor who is slowly bringing his work to life. They have hiking trails for the more physically incline, but it's hard to justify leaving the cozy tasting room.

All the wines are winners, and I'm falling for all the rich reds and even some spunky whites. 

Leopard's Leap comes after La Motte, but nothing can or should come after La Motte. We opt for the standard tasting, and they have good-value wine, smooth and easy to drink. Unfortunately, after La Motte, it's just nice enough...*nonchalant shrug*.

Our wine threshold ends at a couple of vineyards, and we're back in town for lunch and a nap. An awesome first day cruising through Franschhoek. Next stop: Stellenbosch.

Chamonix - Franschhoek, South Africa - Days 9-12

This is the part where the honeymooning really starts. 

First, a romantically terrifying drive to the winelands. The hubby handles the car like a pro, despite occasionally trying to signal with the windshield wipers.

The up side? The windshield is super clean so I can get all sorts of cell phone shots of the mountains that flank Franschoek. Look, it's labeled in white like Hollywood!

Destination: Chamonix. A sprawling vineyard, a cabin in the style of a hunting lodge, surrounded by a game preserve. 

If this view doesn't scream honeymoon, I don't know what does. 

I'm not driving, but the brief commute through the game preserve is the highlight of every day. 

Kruger didn't have ostriches, and Chamonix makes up for that.

The animals just chill on the grass and pose for pictures...

Though sometimes you have to wait for the eland to quit napping in the middle of the road.

Other times the baby zebra needs to make up its mind or stop playing Frogger. On a slight tangent: Zebras bray. Did you know that? I didn't...Turns out, it's a very distinctive sound. Hard to forget when it's your alarm clock on the third morning.

The staff are the best part of this experience. Brywell makes us breakfast every morning - this man can make any kind of egg to any outrageous specification. He actually asked us if we prefer our eggs over easy to be more soft or more liquid. We made opposing choices and he delivered. 

Their wines are brilliant, by the way. The reserve list is worth the extra. The Pinotage is a smooth sipper, and I left with two bottles of the bold, full-bodied Troika.

They'll take good care of you at Chamonix. That said, you do need your own car to get around, especially if you're staying in the game preserve as you can't walk around outside at all. Otherwise, it's a steep uphill from town, though once you're there there's no need to leave. I've heard rave reviews about the restaurant (sadly we had no time to go), and the wine tasting is a must. Staying at Chamonix is also a must, and I can't imagine anything better!

Whining at Bouquet Restaurant at Ponte Winery Inn – Temecula

I spent a day with three married couples. At a vineyard in Temecula. Because for some reason I thought that this wouldn’t be awkward. After all, sometimes you need a 7^th wheel. Like on a tractor trailer. Which is a very awkward vehicle, btw. But my bff was among them, and I figured, single or not, I wasn’t all that different. They’re cute together, and I’m just plain cute. Cupid helped them find each other, and I found okcupid…dot com. One of the couples has a cat for company, and I’m looking at a lifetime of cats for company. Same same, but different.

If I’m 7^th wheeling with 3 kissing couples, there better be something to amuse my mouth as well. I spent all my time lip-locking with my Melon + Prosciutto. The melon is ripe, the prosciutto is perfect, and the sweet and savory combination will trump any sloppy kiss. And the bites of burrata on bread are the perfect union of mozzarella-married-mascarpone.

My plate of prosciutto was much more positive than my attitude that day, but the Short Rib Sandwich fell almost as short as my expectations as some of the conversation. The short rib was full of lip-smacking flavor, but it was on the drier side when topped with thick ciabatta and fried onions.  And the not-so-sharp cheddar on top didn’t help. It was bland, but not nearly as bland as a married woman who stays at home all day and has nothing to say. I only had one bite of that sandwich, but I was stuck with her all day.

I complain about company I was keeping, but I had no complaints about Bouquet. My friends have their husbands to give them flowers, but I had my own Bouquet in the form fine fare. My friends had their handsome husbands to look at, I had my view of vineyards as far as the eye could see. Their hands travelled up a leg, my eyes travelled up a vine. 7^th wheel or not, at least we all enjoyed the view.