Sama Sama Kitchen - Santa Barbara

I always forget how Asian LA is until I leave it. The transition from Simpang to Sama Sama is abrupt to say the least. 

I was immediately suspicious when Sama Sama sold out of sate. On a menu so small, how do you run out of chicken-on-a-stick before the dinner rush?

I ordered other regrettable apps, the Vietnamese Wings to start. $16 for three flats and three drums, a total of three whole wings. They were good wings, with fish sauce caramel that “etches” the surface (a little deeper than scratching), but even Michelin would be hard pressed to pay $5 per wing. 

Cocktails for takeaway are a welcome notion, and a curiously strong Fall of Saigon features a prominent gin. A liqueur, a zest of citrus, a cool of cucumber, and a dash of basil smooths the edges.

The Crispy Duck Salad will do. The duck blends nicely with a sharp greens and sweet grapes, and the peanuts add some Asian flair. The dressing is fish sauce and spice, much like a liquid version of the wing sauce. Overall enjoyable if not for the $18 price tag.

Mie Goreng, aka chow mein. It’s good chow mein, but the price of $13 is just too much for a half-pint of Chinese takeout with a fancy label. This iteration is definitely bare-bones, and you’d get four times the quantity at any PF Chang’s. 

All the dishes have the same flavor: spicy. They are liberal with the chilis and I’ll give them props for not being shy about the spice, but I do think they diluted the colorful, strong, and diverse flavors that define Southeast Asia. Factor in the outrageous prices, and nothing about this equation adds up.

Cafe Portofino - Lihue, HI

This is not my kind of place. Expensive, trying to be over the top and failing, a quality of food that doesn’t match the level of luxury they’re trying to project.

There is a live harpist on their patio, and their menu features an overwhelming assortment of fancy ingredients commonly associated with fine dining. The menu reads like a free association exercise that someone did on a whim, and they can make all the dishes, but each is missing a level of proficiency that comes with concentrating on a select number of things you do well. 

The Escargot Maison, for example, has decent escargot, but they are so doused in garlic that their finish is unappealingly bitter. And like the restaurant, they are a bit overdone so the finish errs on the side of mush. 

Crab Bisque = bowl of cream. Full of filaments of crab, not bad, but the final product tastes canned, like one you pop open from the grocery store and reheat on the stove.

The Scampi Flambe Trastevere Style. It’s made the real Italian way, they say, but I'm pretty sure the Italians preparation is a fail-safe, not a fail-saute. Butter, garlic, wine, a touch of tomato and a supposed brandy flambé...on shrimp that taste like they were frozen and later thawed. Not spoiled but they taste like the prepackaged cocktail shrimp rings at the grocery store, and the few flavors in the sauce are inconsequential.

Osso Buco alla Portofino. Tender veal shank in a tomato-carrot concoction. Al dente fettuccine on the side. Not bad overall, but I’ve had much better, especially at this price point.

Panna Cotta, a dessert I’ll always order...not anymore. The blueberry compote on top is nice, but the panna cotta is rather heavy on the gelatin. 

Not to harp on it too much, but they promise a lot and deliver very little. The range of their menu is impressive, but they're better off focusing on a few dishes from each category and improving on each one rather than offering a potpourri of mediocrity. I wish I could give this restaurant a second chance, but I would never risk that kind of money again.  

Officine Brera - Los Angeles

Rookie mistake: a separate DineLA menu. These items aren't on the regular menu, and that is always a huge red flag. I imagine this is their attempt to make items affordable to both the customer and their business, but there's often a reason those things don't make the regular menu. But, I’ve heard some good things about Officine Brera...nevertheless I persisted. 

I was wrong to persist, and I was wrong from the start. The Fegatini starter almost had potential, but I only got it because I didn't want a generic-sounding salad. It's an immediate assault. Bitter iron notes of chicken liver mousse clang and clash with a dense, nondescript batter. The mousse is a darker iteration of the spread I pick up from Trader Joe’s, and five balls per order is heavy to the point of nausea.

The Basa Padana does not improve the situation. Risotto, with rice a little less cooked than I prefer. A cheesy, buttery whatever topped with WTF sausage that resembles the grocery-store kielbasa our parents would buy for our picky kid-palates, and it looks like someone chopped up a few triangles and absentmindedly tossed it on a bed of rice for no comprehensible reason. Does not go with risotto at all. 

I like the Pisarelli. Best thing on this menu, a little bowl of juicy mushrooms in and hearty bread dumplings nubbins coated with a thick layer of smoky, cheesy sauce.

Cheeky dishes excite me, but the Guancia di Manzo is a letdown. The disappointment is overwhelming. It's good beef, and the meat is fatty and soft. But it could be juicier considering the cut, and it's braised in a brown sauce that is just salt and brown.

Pesce Bianco: halibut seared dry on a pile of escarole and lentils. Worst presentation I've ever seen. 

The desserts could almost save a mediocre meal if this one weren't so far gone. The Torroncino is a sweet surprise, a refreshing, chilling honey nut semifreddo. 

The Cioccolato is rich, dark mousse with a gooey raspberry coulis. It's not novel or innovative, but it's definitely not bad in any manner.

Officine Brera: where DineLA comes to die. I can't even begin to express how deeply this depresses me. I hope their regular menu is better than this.

Sushigirl Kauai - Kilauea, HI

I am so confused. How does a "sushi" shack full of bland stuff-stuffed bland stuff average 4.5 stars on Yelp? 

The O.G. sushi burrito was just bizarre. It's actually a burrito but with raw fish instead of meat. I love that it's wrapped in nori and soy paper, but tuna doesn't go with black beans. The sushi rice has no detectable vinegar and doesn't stick together in any of her creations, nothing is seasoned. The burrito comes with "yum yum sauce" for dipping, which tastes like mayo with a sriracha swirl. But mostly, it tastes like mayo. Are they allergic to salt?

They call this the Musubi, and I am very confused. This is a hand roll. Tuna, avocado, cucumber, sushi rice, wrapped in nori. HAND ROLL.

Don't bother with the musubi if you're getting a maki roll anyway. The Legend is a cut-up musubi with a sprig of green onion added inside. You're pretty conceited to name a roll of tuna, avocado, cucumber, and green onion "THE LEGEND". This is a roll every sushi restaurant makes, and many make it better. 

The ingredients are fresh, no doubt, but I am at an absolute loss as to how this place could net such a high rating. The rolls are bland, and I won't know that I could call any of this sushi. I might come back to try the poke if everything else on the island is closed, but I don't think I'd return if I could avoid it.

Skewers by Morimoto - Los Angeles

The compulsory pre-flight meal. We lack the foresight to plan for breakfast so we always find a combination of something aggressively mediocre or just awful at LAX.

Japanese breakfast bowls seem to be a better option than soggy pancakes or generic egg sandwiches, and the Breakfast Ramen has some potential. The broth is decently rich, but it's hard to taste through the pound of pickled ginger. The fried egg on top promises a hangover solution, but the pork it sits on is chewy like the eraser on a pencil, back when we actually used pencils. 

Which came first? The chicken or the egg? Doesn’t matter in the Oyako Don, somehow both have the same texture and taste, that of sweet, soy-brushed gravel. 

Not the worst airport food, but when you're paying a premium for something carrying Morimoto's stamp of approval, you expect more than this.

L'esplanade Saint Eustache - Paris, France

We were a little too enchanted by Cafe de Paris so we started scouting cafes after a stunning evening at the Palais Garnier. L'esplanade Saint Eustache was one of few places open after hours, an exciting menu of traditional French...a late-night letdown it turned out to be.

Someone with unsteady hands made the Soupe a L'Oignon. They started to sprinkle some vinegar...and they dropped the whole bottle in. The soup is just so sour...though there's nothing like a crust of gruyere to smooth it over. 

The Escargot. Good on the garlic butter, though they're a lot more oily and not as fresh as the ones from earlier. 

To a sober person coming from the opera, this place is rather disappointing. For a drunk person stumbling home, it's probably a hidden gem. To each their own, I guess, but I don't think I'd come back sober.