The Halal Guys – NYC

After two years of living in NYC, I never got around to the Halal Guys. For reasons unknown, I deprived myself of one of New York’s greatest culinary treasures, a prize of such international fame and universal acclaim it’s even earned its way to the ear of the common street vendor…in Israel.

Being a New Yorker and never having Halal is wrong, and part of growing up is righting your wrongs. So I grew up in line one sunny day and grabbed a white sauce-doused platter of Lamb over Rice from the yellow-shirt clad vendors of New York’s Best. I usually hate things drowned in sauce, but that white sauce was clearly a flood from heaven. A single drop of that fiery hot sauce was enough to jumpstart my waterworks, but anything that made me eat more white sauce was fine by me.

The lamb over rice was awesome and the Falafel was phenomenal…Until I realized that I’d been duped. New York’s Best isn’t the Halal Guys, it’s the imposter. Same shirts, same corner but about as authentic as a Coach clutch from Chinatown.

Shamed by my newly discovered deception, I went back for the Halal Guys. The white sauce was awesome, the hot sauce hot as ever, but I couldn’t detect a difference in the lamb. The rice was harder and drier compared to the plump orange grains of the imposter, and somehow that whole plate of bootleg had tasted that much better. Maybe it was the sunlit day, maybe it was the radioactive rice, maybe it really is about the size lamb loaf.

I'd be happy with either or both in my stocking this year, but I hope Santa is forgiving otherwise I’m getting coal. I’ve been naughty, and chef Santa may disown me when I divulge my dastardly deed: I tried the Halal imposter and I liked it...better. 

Momofuku MilkBar – NYC

I’m going to write about Milk Bar as if I’m a lawyer. That is, I’m going to stretch the truth. So that’s not technically a lie. The honest truth is, there isn’t anything cheap about Milk Bar. The prices are fair enough, especially in NYC, but it’s not quite a restaurant. So thanks to the somewhat-loophole in my cheap eats contract, pretty much everything at Milk Bar is under $10 and rich enough to be a meal so I’m gonna call it fair game.

A mere $5 buys you three cookies at Milk Bar and probably any other bakery, a deal I’ll take any day. The Blueberry and Cream has generous chunks of baby blues, the Cornflake Marshmallow is soft gooiness with a contrasting crunch, and the trademark Compost Cookie is a sweet-salty combination thrown together by a cookie-craving baker who ran out of chocolate chips.

The B’day Truffles were the one thing I reallyreallyreally wanted, but they were also the one thing that disappointed me. They were floury and dry, and though they tasted enough like cake batter, they really just missed the mark. There was no loophole big enough to let these through.

I didn’t know it was legal to actually lace food with crack. But the Crack Pie is clearly packing something powerful. The deceptively simple sweet, melt-in-your-mouth combination of butter and sugar makes it impossible to settle for one slice, and a craving as intense as this pie will hit you anytime, anywhere. Only a real lawyer could find a loophole for eating that much butter and refined sugar, and it would take one heck of an attorney to legally justify the crack, but believe me, that's a defense I'd gladly pay for.

Eat it ALL at Empanada Mama - NYC

It’s not about the size of the empanada…seriously, they look small but 2 or 3 will fill you up, 4 if you’re a manly MAN (insert beating of chest here).

My bff and I have the tradition of grabbing a pitcher of sangria and dinner here after getting Broadway tickets. It’s a small, chic, affordable (important after blowing $60 on a Broadway ticket), hole-in-the-wall type place but a table always magically frees up shortly after you enter. The tables are just close enough together to make it cozy but far enough apart to prevent you from skull bashing the guy at the next table every time you shake your head.

The food comes out hot and fast, and the (decent but I’ve had better) sangria flows like a fountain of youth, which btw, leaves you well-prepared to see Disney musicals.

Tapas tickle your taste buds, crispy-crumbly corn empanadas emolliate your esophagus, and meat fillings conjure up your inner carnivore.

Noteworthy notes:

          1) DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT get any of the pepperoni pizza type empanadas. Hot  pockets are cheaper. They don’t taste nearly as good, but seriously, you can order something better than that. DO order something with a corn shell.  

          2) I don’t normally endorse eating baby cow, but the veal and rice balls are worth the sin. Just make sure to do a good deed to atone (I personally carried someone’s stroller complete with large 2 year-old child down 3 flights of stairs on the subway), which also burned off the calories. Win!