Alluring Asia SF – San Francisco

Walk into Asia SF and you’ll find that everyone but the bouncer is a female “gender illusionist”…or are they male? I don’t know. Now I’m confused. That’s why they should be called gender confusionists…or gender confucionists to go with the Asian theme. Call these ladies what you want, but the bottom line is, they’re stunning. And I don’t know their gender, which is part of the illusion, but I became pretty disillusioned about my own after a few minutes in this place.

The appetizers were expectedly abysmal. Clearly we came to feast only our eyes. The Porcupines tasted like a previously-frozen can of preservatives, an assaulting medley of shrimp and scallops with a flavor as prickly as the name suggests.

But pair that with a Katy Perry number, and it suddenly might taste like what you did Last Friday Night. Also, am I the only person who thinks that serving a plate of pricks is in poor taste in this particular setting?

I don’t know why the Miso Glazed King Salmon sits atop a throne of black muck called “forbidden” rice, but I do forbid you to eat it. The salmon itself is nothing to write home about either, but it may have been the most edible entrée.

There was nothing tender about the so-called Filet Mignon. The dipping sauce did very little to improve these sinewy strips, and the five potato stars on my plate were in no way indicative of the rating I gave this dish.

The potato stars may not have any star quality, but this lady sure did. Too beautiful to be a woman, too much a woman to be a man, the only illusion she casts is one of silent admiration.

I don’t remember what this dessert was, but the dark chocolate mousse/crème was a pretty good accompaniment to the fresh cubes and spears of mango. I think this might have been the best dish of the night, and I’m guessing that’s because it required the least cooking.

The Banana Beignet Split was pretty edible, consisting of bananas with a crispy coating drizzled with chocolate sauce and stuck into a generous scoop of vanilla ice cream. And I’m not sure how appropriate it is to serve bananas…

One star for the food, five stars for the experience. I hate even posting a review for a place that is minus-one for the money and plus-two for the show, but there is just no scene like this one so go at least once…but only once.