Honke Owariya - Kyoto, Japan

Kyoto is... Nothing like Tokyo. The pace is slower, the glut of tourists makes it easy to blend in, and the walk-slow-and-just-relax atmosphere is a stark contrast to the constant hustle and bustle.

There seems to be a struggle between the new Kyoto and the old. The classical architecture is well-preserved in tourist-town Gion, but move just a couple streets over, and skyscrapers dwarf the shrines. The temples and teahouses stand staunch, firmly defending the institutions that anchor Kyoto as a window into Japanese culture and all the tradition that entails.

Some traditions never get old, and Honke Owariya is one such tradition. Born in 1465, we can officially consider it a Kyoto institution, and today it still stands.

It's a pretty walk through a peaceful neighborhood from the subway, and the Rikyu-Fu is a warm-up to the soba of legends. Slices of spongy gluten, absorbent and squishy but firm, a harder, more assertive gefiltefish without the fish.

The Ten Siero features soba. Probably the common ancestor of all soba, textbook buckwheat, with tempura on the side.

Soba is not so filling, and tempura is light. Plenty of room for Tokoro Ten dessert. Gelatinous noodles that taste like nothing, adding texture to sweet red beans that taste like everything.

After seeing all the elegant women throughout my trip to Japan, I can only conclude that everything ages like Japanese women... so basically nothing ages. Honke Owariya is no exception. Good food is timeless, and it only gets better as it gets older.

Itoh Dining Kyoto - Kyoto, Japan

Will work for wagyu. Will also work through every other awful dish on Itoh's chef's choice menu to get to the only thing that matters.

It all starts with a boring Beef Tongue, which sets the tone for the lackluster meal. A snooze-worthy soy sauce-marinated beef is actually a little tough as whatever preparation made the tongue lose some of its tender texture. It sleeps on a bed of boiled whatever vegetables.

The Barley and Vegetables Soup tastes like Campbell's at its finest. Well-balanced in flavor and proportions, made in the finest microwave.

The Pate Brick is probably the worst thing I've ever had. Between the presentation and the contents, I felt like I was eating out of a garbage bag. At first, it looks like a drawstring purse. Then you open the purse and the bag bursts open, spilling what looks like something you scrape off a plate before placing it in a dishwasher.

There is a small, chewy chunk of white fish, tomato "pate" that bears an eerie resemblance to leftover spaghetti sauce, and a pulpy floret of broccoli on top.

The Grilled Black Cod with white miso sauce changes the course of the meal, with the thinnest crisp outside encasing a soft white flesh beneath. The cod and miso are cogent complements but must be combined with care as the miso can bulldoze the delicate filet.

Cranky after suffering through so many courses, I was starting to resent the steak. How much suffering is A4 Kuroge Wagyu really worth? The answer is A LOT. There may be no limit to how much I'm willing to suffer. Each pliable piece turns to juice and more juice, releasing an overpowering gamey, savory fragrance, as the marbling melts into liquid meat. There's nothing solid left by the time you swallow.

I would have been happy to end with the beef. The Strawberry Creme buried by berry is a pleasing pairing, but I didn't need the nice, forgettable dessert.

Far as I can see, Itoh only knows how to make one thing but they do make it very well. The rest of the menu is awful but at least I learned a lesson: Conciseness is not overrated, and next time I get wagyu beef, I'll remember to cut to the chase.

La Tiare - Kyoto, Japan

Fushimi Inari shrine is HOT. The arches throw a little shade but dehumidify, they do not. Cooling off is key, and La Tiare is a pretty good place to do just that.

The Mixed Fruit shaved ice is surprisingly exquisite for something served in a plastic cup. Delicate mango shavings with strawberry circles, the sugary sweetness is just the right combination of satisfying dessert and refreshing iced fruit infusion. It slides down so easy and smooth, you'll start to feel like you do the Taisha climb again.

Daiichi Asahi - Kyoto, Japan

Wow, the shinkansen, what a way to travel. Amtrak on crack, but smoother and without the half-hour delay, and we're only on the second fastest train.

The line at Daiishi Asahi moves at comparable speed considering its length, and an order of pan-fried Gyoza shoots out faster than I can say "Take me to Tokyo." The gyoza are shockingly good for faster food; lighter, juicier pork-and-scallion filling with an al dente wrapper done just right.

The prices are low for the quantity AND the quality. Even my mini-bowl has several slices of chashu stewing in the porky-rich broth lightened by just a hint of shoyu. The noodles are slightly slippery ropes, making slurping a must.

Slurping is a skill, and my splatter-free technique needs work. It is a genius method for cooling the broth before it burns your tongue, but how anyone slurps so fast without covering both themselves and the person next to them with broth is beyond me. The guy at the next table hoovered a large bowl in ten minutes, max, and his white shirt remained immaculate. I know this because I observed him closely while wiping stray droplets of broth from my chin, my hair, my forehead...and my ears. Perhaps I'll just stay in Japan until I learn to slurp.

Gion Hatanaka - Kyoto, Japan

Kaiseki is quite the cuisine. A clever combination of veggies, meat, and fish; an aesthetic marvel; and unbelievably complicated.

My research yielded a Japanese Food Philosophy that is clearly not for amateurs. The idea of trying to include 5 colors, 5 tastes, 5 cooking methods, and 5 senses in every meal hurts my brain.

In every meal, the chef to incorporate the following:

Go shiki (5 colors) - red, yellow, green, black, white

Go mi (5 tastes) - salty, sour, sweet, bitter, spicy

Go ho (5 cooking methods) - simmering, boiling, steaming, frying, sauteeing, pickling, etc

Go kan (5 senses) - taste, sight, sound, smell, texture

At Gion Hatanaka, all these things could probably be found in just the two-tiered box of appetizers.

First, the smaller tier, a soothing starter of Snapper Sushi and Salmon Sushi. The sushi is Kyoto style, fish pressed atop a roll of vinegar rice. A tiny Tomato Compote is sugar-sweetened and ripe, and cleanses the palate for the larger tier.

There's a combination of savory, salty, meaty, and sweet all in one little box. Rolled Egg is fluffy and light, Boiled Prawn is sweet simplicity - just don't neglect the head. A thin green Seaweed houses tiny grains of herring roe, almost as cute as the squishy balls of Fried Taro. A tiny porcelain caddy hides a Boiled Lotus Stalk with Sesame, which finishes light and a tiny bit bitter. A chunk of Grilled Eel is unexpectedly savory-sauced, and a tentacle of Boiled Octopus is tender and fragrant. Grilled Duck is a gamey, meaty contrast to all the seafood and plants, like a sandwich next to the savory Grilled Gluten Cake. For a direct comparison, the stretchy Gluten Cake in Bamboo Leaf is just perfect. It is the most memorable bland thing I've ever tried.

The next course features expertly-filleted Hamo Pike Conger and a tube of fresh Tuna in tofu skin, made for dipping with wasabi and ponzu.

Sea Eel glides on a bed of eggplant. The so-called "starchy sauce" coats it like a soft glove, a flavor like an eel sauce lite.

The Tempura is impossibly crisp and light as usual, a sampling of shrimp, fish, shiitake, and green pepper.

A light Soup makes the remainder of the meal just a little less overwhelming, an easy slurp with viscous sesame tofu and a hint of fish. The water shield is a new vegetable for me, neutral with the texture of fuzzy pulp. The side of pickles goes with the steamed rice.

Even the Steamed Rice is exceptional, cohesive grains interspersed with slivers of red snapper and a hint of ginger.

Dessert is minimalist, melty Melon in a cold, scintillate syrup.

The kaiseki meal is a classic, the glamour of old Japan in edible form. A feast of the palate is accompanied by a feast for the eyes - dinner with a singing geiko and a dancing maiko, all an unforgettable presentation by Gion Hatanaka.

Issen Yokocho - Kyoto, Japan

It's a well-known fact that alcohol dulls the taste buds. When I don't abstain, I'll have one drink max with sushi, and I'll have two once in a while if the steak is really good. I find that avoidance is often wise, unless I'm going to Issen Yokocho. I'll probably have to have ten before Issen Yokocho.

You don't walk into Issen Yokocho for the Okonomiyaki, you stumble or you crawl. Their hot-mess preparation of green onion, egg, dried shrimp, grilled fish paste, flour, dried bonito, beef, ginger, tempura batter, konjak jelly, dried seaweed, and Japanese sauce is as much of an unappetizing hot mess as it sound. This mish-mash hodge-posh of stuff scattered carelessly on a grill is made for the post-pub stagger-ers who don't know or care what they put into their mouths. The final product is an all-out assault, non-cohesive ingredients in hastily thrown-together proportions, meant to be washed down immediately with a very large beer. 

The Matcha Ice Cream was an afterthought, a last-ditch attempt to remove all memory of Okonomiyaki from my mouth. It was a small band-aid on a gaping wound, a scar I won't soon forget.

An afterthought-footnote on their menu concedes, "If you need to get rid of these items, please tell us." Yes. I need to get rid of all these items.

Izuu - Kyoto, Japan

Scouring the streets of Gion is no easy task, but someone said sushi and I came running. Search for Izuu, part 2.

Found Izuu, made finding Nemo look easy. Fortunately, the menu is a no-brainer.

But first, another barrier. The roll is wrapped in kelp, which must be removed before eating the fish beneath. Good thing the staff speak some English or I'd still be choking down seaweed.

Intro to Kyoto-style sushi starts here. Box-pressed rice ball topped with slabs of silvery, vinegar-marinated mackerel, basically a sliced rice ball with fish.

The mackerel is actually really good. More is more with vinegar as sour rice highlights sour-er mackerel. Sea Bream is softer and far more subtle, lending just a little fishy fun.

I still don't love mackerel but I remain determined to try. Still preferring other types of fish but definitely more amenable to mackerel now.