Ko-Ox Han-nah - San Ignacio, Belize

I came to Belize looking for an adventure beyond my wildest dreams, and Actun Tunichil Muknal (ATM) was the cave for the job. Packed with sacrificial pottery and a human skeleton that required wading through rushing waters to reach made this particular cave a little more precarious. 

The spelunking starts with a swim into the mouth of the cave, and let's just say the S in my B.S. didn't stand for swimming. Then you squeeze your head into a decapitating gap between two rock formations, which I wouldn't have gotten through without a giant Iced Coffee. This brewed blend of coffee with honey and vanilla ice cream was the Daenerys Targaryen of Starbucks Frappuccino - the beans remained unburnt.

I loved the concept of the cave tour, just like I loved the concept of Ko-Ox-Han-Nah. Described by locals as one of the best experiences in San Ignacio, both places came highly recommended. Unfortunately, reality didn't live up to expectation. 

I had expected ATM to be a warm cavern of wonders, steamy as the Breakfast Burrito. Unfortunately, the burrito was about as interesting as the cave was warm - the runny refried beans with scrambled eggs and shredded cheese were a great combination but not exactly inspiring wonder.

ATM was indeed a cave of wonders, but we could have done without our loquacious guide . As much as we love a tour with a personal touch, there were more words pouring from his mouth than there was sauce dripping from the BBQ Lamb Ribs. The farm-fresh lamb was as authentic as the carafes that once held offerings to the gods, but the lamb was smothered by too much sauce, and our quiet time in the cave was smothered by a guide who repeated everything he said at least three times while we waited to die of hypothermia and old age.

I thought it wouldn't get any worse, but when we finally got to the Crystal Maiden, highlight of the cave, we were treated to a 20-minute soliloquy about his entire career, a speech as dry as the Rice and Beans with Stew Chicken. But we can always throw away rice and beans...

Lauded by locals and Lonely Planet alike, it was impossible not to be blown away by ATM. Given all the praise I heard about Ko-Ox-Han-Nah, it was impossible not to be disappointed. Ko-Ox-Han-Nah is Mayan for "let's go eat", and I for one will be ko-ox-han-nah-ing elsewhere.