Going to the Gallows UPDATE – Boston

I resolve to get back in shape. With Thanksgiving behind me and Christmas around the corner, I plan to make full, perhaps prophylactic use of my Radi-holiday to get my lazy butt in gear. Strictly speaking, I am in shape. Round is a shape. Many of the dishes at the Gallows feature things that are round in shape. Whatever their shape, their edgeless tastiness is doing nothing to help me attain any kind of shape…except maybe round.

One of the biggest problems with getting in shape is the complete loss of resolve when confronted with half-circles of lightly-breaded, deeply fried Crispy Lamb Belly. The lamb is a juicy, gamey-savory burst of a mouthful. But half circles are only half as bad as full circles, right? Plus the Mediterranean-esque bed of chickpeas adds a healthy spin. We just won’t discuss how much goat feta was mixed in…

Food doesn’t have calories if you share it. Nothing cuts fat like generosity. So sharing those gooey balls of cheesy Pumpkin Arancini with Shamini and Kendra means I can skip the extra hour of pilates, right?

If you’re in the mood for something light or just feeling guilty about heavy eating, the Wedge comes with tasty beets and the iceberg tastes far better than the usual glorified green water.

The Late Fall Greens are the bunny food that makes bunnies fat. The apple cider vinaigrette is incredible, and the apples and pumpkin seeds add a fall feel. The sharp greens are a breath of fresh air after gooey arancini, and they woke me up just enough for my postprandial workout. Thanks to these energizing greens, I walked all 3 brisk blocks back to my apartment which obviously burned all the calories I consumed.

After doing pilates (…which justifies eating out, right?), I now know the secret to weight loss. After just one grueling hour, your entire midsection burns with the searing wrath of a hot grill. So why not order a fresh-off-the-flames burger to celebrate your new washboard? Get the Carpetbagger/Kraken/whatever variation of the fried-oyster-topped odyssey they choose to serve this month. Oysters are high in iron and calcium. Scarfing this burger is an iron-consuming effort in the battle to reduce the incidence of anemia, and the calcium is a sure soldier in the fight against osteoporosis.

The problem with pilates is that the searing pain makes it impossible to swallow. Even as you choke down dinner, the pain keeps you from staying seated for too long, forcing you to leave the restaurant before you can overeat. So if your appetite is being attacked by your abs, get a few bar snacks to curb your cravings. Every southern girl dreams of the sweet cornmeal and barbecue of a Pulled Pork Corn Muffin. The Scotch Egg is a deviled egg on steroids, and the Smoked Bluefish Pate will float any fisherman’s fancy.

The thing is, I usually do ok with the apps, the entrees, the snacks. My problem is that no matter how many miles I run, I’ll always have a little fat on the side. But they’re called LOVE handles for a reason. So a couple sides of healthy veggies won’t hurt. The Brussels Sprouts pack a bitter crunch sweetened by pomegranate and bacon, and the Cauliflower is just another round of savory shrubbery.

The Berkshire Pork is the one entrée I can’t justify. The thick slices are impossibly tender and juicy, and the mashed sweet potatoes are lighter than air. Unfortunately, unlike those sweet potatoes, I never feel lighter than…well…anything after a meal at the Gallows. At the rate I’m going, I’ll need a man who likes round objects…anyone know any jugglers?