Simply waltz into the foyer and stand in front of the 3 concierges. They can see you but they remain bent over their books until you clear your throat loudly…and then softly say “excuse me?”…and then shout. Don’t let them fool you, they’re neither deaf nor hard of hearing.
At this point, your patience is probably as expired as your Groupon, and the staff are happy help with that…like your in-laws. They love to remind you of your past infractions. I was informed that it was only today that they would honor my Groupon. That’s like your mother-in-law saying that she doesn’t like brunch while she’s paying for your mimosa. For the record, I made the reservation before the Groupon expired, which means they’re required to honor it under Groupon law, i.e. no need to reiterate the condescending martyrdom three times.
We sat down in the “dining room”, which was so weirdly like someone’s house that I felt like I was actually intruding in a mother-in-law’s home. The icy stares didn’t help. We started with the Victorian Rose Tea, which was more accurately Victorian colored hot water. The bottom of the tea cups are stained that color, and the tea is served in a teapot so heavy there is no way to pour without spilling. That’s passive-aggressive in-law sabotage all the way. Then they announced that they had run out of milk and lemon for the tea. They had the nerve to ask “Is that okay?” Do I have a choice? I let it go because colored hot water isn’t really tea anyway.
Even when dining with the in-laws, the atmospheric tension releases once both parties eat. Blood sugar rises, and so do the pleasantries. Just pray that your mother-in-law didn’t choose that day to serve the cream-cheese-smothered Cucumber Sandwich or the bland, dry Chicken Salad Sandwich.
Wash those sucky sandwiches down with a few sips of tasteless tea and transition to the Raisin Scones. The scones are dry but not terrible, the less desirable characteristics of your in-laws. The staff then announced that they were out of clotted cream. This is where I ran out of sympathy.
If the scones without cream made you feel deprived of a proper tea service, the pastries attempt to make up for it. A couple soggy Cannolis covered in a suspicious green substance and a mediocre cream-filled puff Pastry will satiate your craving for cream for months. Swallow it like your mother-in-laws’ cooking (which is just not as good as your mother’s). Fake a smile and choke it down because you can’t let on that the cooking your partner has declared to be the ambrosia and nectar of the gods is actually just awful.
If nothing else, please note that London Café or Café Royale, or whatever they choose to call themselves is downright dishonest. The Groupon for this deal cost $35 and they claimed that it’s for a deal valued at $70. This deal is costs $25. Check out Café Royale’s menu for the Queen Victoria package if you don’t believe me. I paid $35 for a something that costs $25. I don’t blame Groupon, but I do wonder why they would stoop so low as to do business with such a dishonest establishment. $35 isn’t so exorbitant a price to pay for tea on Newbury Street, but it probably also buys a bus/train ticket to see the in-laws. I recommend you pay to see your in-laws – at least their bad food is free.
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