Seriously Satisfying Sons of Essex – NYC

I may be goofy-happy whenever I’m in NYC, but I’m anything but goofy when it comes to food. And Sons of Essex. I’m dead serious about Sons of Essex. Sons of Essex has an almost cliché storefront for an NYC establishment. Miniscule, easily passable, made to look like yet another hole in the wall, yet another deli.  And the ingredients they use are mundane deli fare, but there’s nothing mundane about the combinations they come up with.

If Sloppy Judah had betrayed Sloppy Joe for a few pieces of silver when I was in grade school, I may have started liking his namesake sandwich sooner (too soon?).The fried egg under the crispy-soft bun runs over the short rib, adding to the gooey guarantee of a heart attack. I’ve been told that Manischewitz is a gross refreshment, but it sure tastes good when short rib is braised in it…Maybe if they started dipping short rib into Manischewitz regularly I would attend more Seders…

Once I was done chuckling about the name, I found that there was nothing laughable about the Eggs Benedictowitz. Black discs of burnt latkes that looked like they were doused by giant fleeing squid…did someone tell the squid he wasn’t kosher? These were serious latkes…seriously burnt! I know some people like them burnt to a crisp, but I for one didn’t enjoy being assaulted by the taste of char, oy vey! To be fair, they were burnt impressively evenly – uniformly black without a single spot of crumbling soot…I always thought that burnt food reflected a lack of skill, but clearly not in this case. The smoked salmon was quite serious as well. I’ve had plenty of lox, but this stuff was almost creamy/buttery, supporting salmon’s reputation as a fatty fish. Word from the wise: eat this dish first. It’s hard to stomach after half the sloppy Judah – it’s just too rich to follow anything, and it’s literally a good death by salmon.

And what brunch is complete without a side of Truffle Tater Tots? Perfect crispy golden-brown cylinders of baller truffle goodness…I could eat the entire basket myself!

It’s hard to clear your plate at Sons of Essex because everything is just so over-the-top rich and heavy. Then again, why complain about having those leftovers of lunch the next day? But if you’re aching for gluttony and deep down want to spring for the extra everything, Sons of Essex promises to take care of that. The menu doesn’t give you a choice – every dish is just too much, and if will scratch that itch no matter how deep it goes (that's what she said). Light brunches are for sissies, and Sons of Essex is where real men (and women!) gorge themselves, and believe me, there is no way to leave unsatisfied.

Son of a…is rarely a compliment, but I’d be proud to be son of an Essex. Though I don’t know Essex, and I don’t know his sons, they must have been morbidly obese. And I plan to grow fat with them over brunch in NYC.

Booty From Beauty and Essex – NYC

This place is another creation of a close friend of mine so again, I’m giving the customary disclaimer and asserting that I will not be giving this place a rating…

Ok, first of all, get your mind out of the gutter. You read the title. I know what you were thinking. But no. Seriously, no, No, and NO. The “booty” is the impressive display of antiques in the front of the restaurant, which is made to look like your traditional LES pawn shop, and allow me to clarify that I brought nothing home from the restaurant. Fun fact: some of the items actually have pricetags and can be purchased, though I would probably NOT tell your date that… And now, if I need to explain how the title of this post also applies to the food as a clever pun for the treasury of treats found at Beauty and Essex, just stop reading. Seriously.

I almost never splurge on drinks when I go out, but here I had to physically restrain myself from getting a second. I had the Smoked Opal Martini, a pretty pink in a glass rimmed with a smoky herb – I think it was basil. Every drink is unique, and I seriously doubt there are any bad ones. If you’re indecisive like me, just close your eyes and point.

Every time I dine with my bff Ben, my eyes get bigger. Which is hard to do since I’m Asian…Unfortunately, they always get bigger than my stomach, as you’ll see by the shear volume of food we ordered. We started with the Sashimi of Tuna, Tonnato Style, pretty pink tuna, cut into perfect squares, just big enough for a satisfying bite. The chorizo added a pleasant but not needed crunch, a perfect addition to an already-perfect dish. My only critique is that this dish is difficult to share. After one melt-in-my-mouth bite, I would have stabbed anyone who tried to take more than their share.

If there were a vegetarian equivalent of pate, it would be the Avocado, Lemon & Espelette. Spread across a thick toast, the lightly-seasoned avocado lingers with the help of the lemon, and it’s really just impossible to complain about good avocado.

I think the overriding theme here is that the dishes form an appetizing array of vibrant colors. The Kale and Apple Salad is a colorful intermediate that combines the reds and whites of an apple with deep forest-green kale. A hearty salad with thick, softly bitter kale balanced by crisp, sweet apple. In short, a color palette that pleases every palate. I’m rarely a fan of salad, but I would order this again, even without the side of peer pressure.

The only thing I wouldn’t order again is the Braised Short Rib Tamales. There was absolutely nothing wrong with them, but Taranta had better cornmeal. And although the short rib is well-braised, and I love the authenticity of the golden cornmeal peeking from the dark green cornhusk, there are better things on the menu.

The child who grows up by the ocean can only dream of something as scrumptious as the Lobster Mac & Cheese. I take a pretty neutral stand on this dish but props for making the lobster flavor permeate, and who can say no to gooey mac & cheese?

Never in a million years did I think I would fall in love with the Chicken Meatballs. I don’t even like ground chicken. The sight of this dish made me sing “On top of old spaghetti, all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball, when somebody sneezed…” (PLEASE tell me you remember that song from summer camp). But the truffle adds a twist of sophistication, and the bed of ricotta adds a don’t-put-your-fork-down-until-it’s-gone quality to this otherwise deceptively mundane dish.

A team is only as strong as its weakest player, and the Root Beer and Cookies dessert was definitely not Beauty & Essex’s weakest link. Think cooking doesn’t involve chemistry? Think again. The reverse root beer float is mind-boggling genius. The cookies just had to be there, but mine are better, come see for yourself. (To my friends who have sampled my baking, a little support please?) Otherwise, the panna cotta was right on with the thick texture and the conservative amount of sugar. The other 2 elements were good, but it’s still the reverse float that fascinates me.

Ladies, when you take that customary gossip-about-the-guys-we’re-with or escape-the-loser trip to the restroom, bring your ID and invite Mr. Washington. There’s a complimentary champagne bar waiting for you inside the ladies room with a circular couch to sit on while you gossip over bubbly. Just try to stay sober enough to get back up the stairs and back to your fabulous food.