Les Zygomates = Le Gross - Boston

Toro is undoubtedly the best restaurant in Boston. Les Zygomates is undoubtedly the worst restaurant in Boston. It is tearfully Romeo-and-Juliette-level tragic when the only non-disgusting thing in an entire meal is the wine. The theme of my night can be summed up by what I believe to be an onomatopoeic word: GAG.

The first thing I gagged on was the bread, which I believe came fresh out of a bag at the local Shaw’s. Is it too much to ask that a $50/person restaurant at least warm up the bad bread? Is it too much to ask that a $50/person restaurant gives you more bread within an hour of you asking?

The leg of lamb did not actually taste like lamb, and the haricots verts were saltless flavorless strings of green the thickness of an earthworm. Frankly, the way they were presented, a plate of earthworms may have appeared more appetizing. I wonder if the kitchen perhaps ran out of lamb and substituted it with beef. I assure you, my “lamb” did not taste like lamb and the olive tapenade was far too salty and a completely inappropriate accompaniment for the strong flavor of lamb. Though I’m guessing this particular tapenade was used to cover up the sad fact that this may not have been lamb. GAG.

Ben’s Wild Mushrooms were the only vegetarian thing on the menu and my personal theory is that the chef was tragically dumped in a heartwrenching scene by a dastardly lover who was a vegetarian. Why else would he punish vegetarians with this atrocity? The dish was seasoned with salt and barely a pinch of pepper. The portion was so stingy it was less filling than a side of potatoes, criminal for such a high price. Imagine my embarrassment when the friend I had so generously invited to dinner described his dish as “miserable”.

The scalloped potatoes (don’t remember the proper name) was the only thing on the menu that didn’t make me gag. The cheese and potatoes were a deliciously creamy combination. Sadly, that was the only positive thing I have to say about this place.

The wine was great but that doesn’t factor into my review considering the restaurant has nothing to do with the making/bottling of the wine. One could argue that the restaurant chooses which wines to serve but considering this is a French restaurant and the French could not make bad wine if they tried, it seems Les Zygomates truly has no redemption.

I never thought I’d witness a food abomination up close and personal at a French restaurant until we got our dessert. I had never eat a dessert that was actually a lie until I got the crepe with brandied cherries. Though I am by no means an expert on alcoholic fruit, last time I checked, brandied cherries did not mean flavorless pieces of fruit that had obviously been frozen and then thawed with no hint of any flavor whatsoever. GAG.

The mere thought of this restaurant still makes me gag. And frankly, if I were bound and gagged, I still wouldn’t come back.

Boston’s Best at Toro - Boston

I’ve been to Toro several times and it never fails to wow me. The menu is exquisite, and each dish is uniquely and meticulously crafted. This is probably the only non-sarcastic review I will ever write. Ken Oringer, I have an altar with your name on it and I never let the incense burn out!

Must-try:

Pato con Membrillo – these smoked duck drummettes are exceptional. The meat falls off the bone and the smoked flavor permeates without overpowering.

Maiz Asado – clearly one of the best dishes on the menu. The sweetness of the corn and the creamy alioli mesh well to create “no-frills good”. The combination of ingredients shows a successful restraint, that is, the ability to make something “simply good”, an underrated talent of chefs.

Escalivada Catalana – marinated wood roasted eggplant with a smoky fireplace flavor.

Asado de Huesos – The oxtail is shredded and wonderfully flavored and the bone marrow, which is basically “meat butter”, adds the savory flavor.

Pimientos del padron - I have no idea why “hot green peppers with sea salt” is so freaking good but they’re perfectly roasted and you get a lot of them so it’s perfect for sharing and perfect for grazing or cleansing the palate during the meal. For those who can’t handle spice, they’re not really hot – just a kick of flavor, not enough to raise a sweat.

Tortilla Espanola – I also have no idea why an egg, potato, and onion concoction is so freaking good, but Ken Oringer knows that less if more. Notice how his simplest dishes made the top of my list?

Not a must-try, but I’d have it again:

Estufado de tripa – The tripe is chewy in the east and soft in the west. The problem with western-soft tripe is the danger of being rubbery, but this tripe is yummily (yes, that is a word!) cooked, and the the curry is sweet and denser than the usually slightly-watery green curry. If you like tripe, then I highly recommend it, but don’t get it if you’re alone and trying to order many different things for yourself – this relatively generous tapas portion will fill you up.

Coliflor a la Plancha – Yummy light dish with just the right amount of flavorful oil and salt. The cauliflower is cut into minute pieces, which lets them soak up more flavor, which is key for this fun-textured but otherwise bland veggie. Good for a contrast to the intense meats and heaven for nibblers and grazers.

Patatas Bravas - This is the only place where I will actually eat the sour cream. Don’t love the glorified ketchup lining the bottom of the bowl. It’s thick, pasty, and sour and drowns out the flavor of the potatoes, which is a crying shame. At least serve it on the side for diners who prefer drinking the sauce over eating the food. But to be fair, the tomato is tangy and fresh, and the herb flavor permeates the potatoes, an underrated culinary feat that deserves applause.

Serrano – Thinly sliced into flavorful, translucent artery-clogging sheets, this ham is actually perfect for wrapping around the Tortilla Espanola and allow carnivores/those who solemnly believe that veggies are what food eats to enjoy the amazing tortilla AND ensure that something died for their meal.

Lengua con Lentejas y Salsa Verde - Beef tongue hash. The tongue is chopped into small pieces to appease the squeamish, and it’s soft texture blends in with the rest of the dish.

I wouldn’t eat it twice (but was happy to have tried it once):

Foie Gras – it’s a tiny portion and a bit dry, which I thought was impossible for something that’s mostly fat. The portion is tiny, and the little toast point it’s served on tends to soak up the juices, obscuring the flavor.

Panza de Cerdo – the pork belly by itself is a stunning piece – it melts in your mouth. Unfortunately, this dish lacks unity. The escargot is flavorless, a stark contrast to the savory pork belly and it just doesn’t go with pork. It adds nothing to the dish, which is disappointing because the unique texture of escargot has the potential to go far. I think they make a slightly different version with clams now. Guess I wasn’t the only non-fan though I’m still a skeptic…

Grilled avocado – The grilling makes it gooey. Yummy when combined with…well…anything, but come on, $5 for half an avocado? I’d eat it again, but I’d rather spend my money on something I haven’t tried yet.

Pork Hash – I wanted the beef tongue once and they didn’t have it so I had the pork instead. It’s like southern barbecue minus the barbecue, but preserving the savory pork flavor. A bit on the salty side but no real complaints and no really stellar remarks.

Hummus – Nice kick from the argon oil but more textured and bitter than I’m used to. You know a chef is good when even his hummus has his own unique touch! I’d happily eat it again, but I’d want to spend my money trying something else.

Anna’s Empanadas – It’s chicken and potato in a pastry shell that forms an admirable combination of flaky and crispy. But the chicken is a bit bland, and it’s alioli that carries it through. Good for unadventurous diners in your group though if you’re at Toro, pleasepleaseplease don’t base what you order on the culinarily meek…they may inherit the earth, but they sure as heck don’t inherit the food.

Churros – Crispy, sweet but not too sweet, with a thick but not too thick chocolate dipping sauce with just the right hint of gooey but not messy. It’s good but not exceptional, and there’s plenty of other things to save room for.

Avoid like the plague (only two dishes made it here!):

Ensalada Atun – Good for a light one-person lunch if you’re allergic to flavor and have a libido for the uninspired. The tuna is fresh but not un-ordinary enough to be called good, and you can throw salad greens into a bowl for free at home.

Mollejas - Ok, I’m breaking the sarcasm rule. I can’t deal with it. How does this place make everything else so perfectly? If I had tasted only the sweetbreads, I would have never come back.

The only downside I can think of is the long wait for a table during prime dinner hours. I tried to get a table at 8 pm on a Tuesday night once and was told that there would be a 2-hour wait. There were tables open when I went at 6 pm, but there were maybe 6 seats left in the entire restaurant. However, while you’re squished up at the bar for an hour (or two!) at a distance that makes even the most immodest man blush, remember this: any chef can cook with great ingredients, but combining foods, especially mundane ones, into something exceptional is a lost art that can be found at Toro. Bottom line: Eat at Toro at least once. It’s worth the wait every time.

Go Guru - Plymouth

I suppose it’s only fitting (or ironic?) the Indians prosper in Plymouth. This downtown North Indian restaurant serves up the best (chicken or paneer) tikka masala I’ve ever had, and trust me, that’s a lot of tikka masala. The sauce is sweet but tangy-fresh – the chicken is clearly pre-frozen and in larger chunks than can comfortably fit in my mouth, but I’d pick through a whole chicken if it meant I got extra sauce! 

Lighter seems to be the theme at Guru – the tikka masala sauce is more tangy than creamy, which makes it lighter than typical tikka masala. The mango lassi had more yogurt, less sugar, and the veggie pakora was fried tan, instead of darker brown, and it was crispy, not soggy with grease after 2 minutes on a plate. But not to worry, they didn't go lighter on the portions and one entree will leave you stuffed. If you like Indian-hot spicy, go elsewhere, but if you like your Indian reasonably hot, the medium is enough, but the hot is better if you can handle it.

When it comes to Indian restaurants, Guru is a go. Get whatever you want to appetizers and drinks – the lassi is a classic, but the pakora isn’t a necessity. Get whatever else you want, just make sure your order includes tikka masala and don’t forget to come for live music on weekends!