Les Zygomates = Le Gross - Boston

Toro is undoubtedly the best restaurant in Boston. Les Zygomates is undoubtedly the worst restaurant in Boston. It is tearfully Romeo-and-Juliette-level tragic when the only non-disgusting thing in an entire meal is the wine. The theme of my night can be summed up by what I believe to be an onomatopoeic word: GAG.

The first thing I gagged on was the bread, which I believe came fresh out of a bag at the local Shaw’s. Is it too much to ask that a $50/person restaurant at least warm up the bad bread? Is it too much to ask that a $50/person restaurant gives you more bread within an hour of you asking?

The leg of lamb did not actually taste like lamb, and the haricots verts were saltless flavorless strings of green the thickness of an earthworm. Frankly, the way they were presented, a plate of earthworms may have appeared more appetizing. I wonder if the kitchen perhaps ran out of lamb and substituted it with beef. I assure you, my “lamb” did not taste like lamb and the olive tapenade was far too salty and a completely inappropriate accompaniment for the strong flavor of lamb. Though I’m guessing this particular tapenade was used to cover up the sad fact that this may not have been lamb. GAG.

Ben’s Wild Mushrooms were the only vegetarian thing on the menu and my personal theory is that the chef was tragically dumped in a heartwrenching scene by a dastardly lover who was a vegetarian. Why else would he punish vegetarians with this atrocity? The dish was seasoned with salt and barely a pinch of pepper. The portion was so stingy it was less filling than a side of potatoes, criminal for such a high price. Imagine my embarrassment when the friend I had so generously invited to dinner described his dish as “miserable”.

The scalloped potatoes (don’t remember the proper name) was the only thing on the menu that didn’t make me gag. The cheese and potatoes were a deliciously creamy combination. Sadly, that was the only positive thing I have to say about this place.

The wine was great but that doesn’t factor into my review considering the restaurant has nothing to do with the making/bottling of the wine. One could argue that the restaurant chooses which wines to serve but considering this is a French restaurant and the French could not make bad wine if they tried, it seems Les Zygomates truly has no redemption.

I never thought I’d witness a food abomination up close and personal at a French restaurant until we got our dessert. I had never eat a dessert that was actually a lie until I got the crepe with brandied cherries. Though I am by no means an expert on alcoholic fruit, last time I checked, brandied cherries did not mean flavorless pieces of fruit that had obviously been frozen and then thawed with no hint of any flavor whatsoever. GAG.

The mere thought of this restaurant still makes me gag. And frankly, if I were bound and gagged, I still wouldn’t come back.